Changes

I'm actually looking around for a daycare centre for Renee.

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Yah.

I know, right.

Damn freaking selfish of me.

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First, I chose to sacrifice my career to be a Stay At Home Mom.

Thinking it would be all the better for me and for my baby.

And then, because of the choice I made, Renee got used to having mummy around her all the time. She got used to getting first class treatment and first class attention and first class food and first class everything.

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And then now, because my maid ran away and left me suddenly with a whole house to maintain and on top of that, a 22 month old toddler to chase around, and I just cannot cope anymore, I'm just gonna throw her into a daycare centre.

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To me, that's just really selfish.

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But I don't have any other choices.

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Everyday, I'm trying my best to keep the house spotless (because Renee tends to pick up random things from the floor and put them into her mouth). But each time I clean one room, I walk into another room to find that Renee had either spilled milk all over the floor, or Vitagen all over the sofa, or left a trail of biscuit crumbs from the living room to the kitchen to the dining area, or something.

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And it makes me blow my head off.

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And then *POW* I'm suddenly on a screaming rampage, yelling at the top of my lungs at this little girl (who has no idea why her mother is screaming at her again), smacking her hands (or legs, whichever made the mistake), getting out of breath for yelling so loud without stopping to take a breath, and then finally, crumbling down onto the floor and asking myself over and over and over again, what did I ever do to deserve this.

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And when I've calmed myself down and Renee is still too scared to come near me, I pick myself up and start cleaning all over again.

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And I know that this is just not healthy.

Not for me.

Not for Renee.

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I clearly need to go for anger management course.

Or something.

Whatever.

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So, which is why I've decided that the best option for this is to send Renee to a daycare centre.

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I mean, it's not gonna be that bad. She gets to interact with other kids her age. Get involved in fun activities all day long. Be surrounded by people other than me. It'll be good for her. Might teach her to appreciate me more. And maybe be more disciplined too.

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It'll be good for me too.

I'll be able to have 'ME' time, something which I never had much of since I gave birth.

I'll finally be able to focus on growing my own company and be independent instead of depending on hubby. Perhaps in a way, it'll lift a slight burden off hubby's shoulders about being the only one bringing in the money for the family, and we could all be happier.

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Also, I wouldn't be getting angry and shouting all the time.

Which means that the time I spend with Renee will be healthier, happier.

And I wouldn't be so mang chang with hubby as well.

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BIG sigh.....

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Honestly though, although I know this is the best way to go (afterall, Renee is already almost 2), I really am NOT looking forward to sending Renee off to a daycare centre.

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I've gotten so used to be the one looking after her since she was born, the thought of someone else taking over the job now (even if its only for a few hours during the day), someone else feeding her, changing her, cleaning her, playing with her, soothing her when she cries, putting her down for her nap.....sighs....just makes me wanna cry, you know.

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I mean, how will I know if they're doing their best for her. How will I know if they're feeding her top quality food, or cleaning her properly, or comforting her the right way when she cries?

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Something as simple as being there to monitor her temperature every hour when she has a fever, or patiently feeding her and making sure she finishes everything in her bowl, or trying different ways to soothe her when she's sad until she stops crying. These things only a mother will be able to do for her child.

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But I know, time will help.

Only time will be able to help me let her go.

It's definitely not going to be easy the first few days, for both me and Renee.

But children adapt to changes easily.

And as for me, well, I'll just have to keep myself busy until I get used to the idea of someone else looking after Renee to ease my mind and my time for me.